Chemotherapy is NO fun!

I didn't expect chemotherapy to be fun, or even non-eventful. But I did expect it to pass within a few days of the treatment. I thought I would be nauseous, tired, maybe even have diarrhea. But what I got was way different than what I expected.

I had my first treatment last Wednesday, and it took all day to inject the different liquids into my body. I had a reaction to one of them, so they had to stop it, then start it again a lot slower than before (hence taking 6 1/2 hours instead of the 3 1/2 hours planned). It is now Monday, and I still feel like I've been knocked down and beat up.

My reactions to the drugs were varied. First I felt weak and jittery. I couldn't relax or sit still very long. I also couldn't concentrate on anything long enough to do much like read or watch TV. I kept getting up and down, laying down, walking around, trying to get things done. Nothing seemed to ease the tension. I wonder if this is what people with Attention Deficit Disorder feel like? I have lots of compassion for them if it is.

One night I had the worst nightmares, and couldn't hardly sleep. I felt like people were crawling on me so I couldn't get up, like kids were chasing me and throwing rocks, like dogs were running all around, and balls were in my way when I tried to run. I dreamt that I was on a military ship with an assignment, but no one had shown me how to do it. I dreamt we were camping and our tent fell in the campfire, and I couldn't get it out. I was on a beach and huge waves were coming, and I couldn't run through the sand to get away. The frustration kept up all night with different kinds of craziness. When I finally got up in the morning, I was glad to be awake so I could relax a little. I hope I never have another night like that. I have been taking Tylenol PM since then. It seems to help.

Now I am just feeling lousy. No energy, no enthusiasm, no comfort, no real pain, no rest, no release, no way to feel better; just lousy. I know it could be worse. I could have lots of pain, I could be throwing up, I could have diarrhea, or I could be depressed and crying all the time.

I am grateful for my lousiness. No matter how lousy it is.

I just hope it goes away soon. I miss my old self. I miss being happy and productive. I miss enjoying food. I miss planning ahead. I miss having energy. I miss going places. I miss cleaning and organizing. I miss playing with the grandkids and dogs. I miss my real life.

Sorry to be so down right now.

I am praying for those that I know are in worse circumstances. I pray for Stephanie Nielson. I pray for those in Haiti. I pray for others that are suffering. Please join me in praying for them too.

I will try to be more positive and upbeat with my next post.

Well maybe not, because it will probably be about losing my hair. But maybe I'll have a cute wig to show!

Thanks for your prayers, thoughts, and love.